In my last blog post I alluded to some big personal things going on in my life. I’ve had some time to think on it, and I think I’m ready to share what’s going on with the world (don’t worry, cleared it through all other parties too) – gotta uphold my transparency policy. I firmly believe people should share their Y axis in business, and I guess this is me sharing my personal Y axis. It’s one part personal therapy, but I hope there’s another part that is informative or at least helpful to someone else out there.
Around a week ago, my partner and I split up. We had been together for some years, and as one would expect, it’s tough – though amicable. There’s no throwing of plates or angry words. Things are in surprisingly high spirits. We are still in the same house, with our roommate. I have just moved my bed to be down next to my computer desk, in my office in the basement. Not much has changed, though I have consumed more alcohol than average in the last week.
Beyond standard break-up stuff, though, I’m being pushed to a new space in my life – one where the future is unclear. There are a lot of questions I’m asking myself. Things I’m not sure of. Questions about where I want to live, what I want to do with my life, where my career is headed. What kinds of safety nets do I have. How much money is available. When am I going to do all that travelling I dreamed of? Questions about what I want in future relationships, if I want another one at all. Even basic questions about myself, my sexuality, my emotional needs. It seems like everything is up in the air right now, and none of those questions can be answered unless I first answer all the other questions surrounding it.
It feels impossible. It feels overwhelming, and like a terrible burden. I’m complete bollocks at making up my mind about things in the first place, and when confronted with a tough choice I usually go with the dangerous impulse decision.
And that’s why I’m running away.
It sounds dramatic, but it’s not so much; I’ve been planning on heading to Mexico with the Northways in January anyway, and then there’s PAX East, then GDC, then PAX Australia. I was planning on being home in between of all those trips, but now there doesn’t seem to be much of a reason to. I’m paying for travel anyway – might as well spend a good long time there, right?
I am probably going to end up spending 6 months of 2013 away from “home,” such as it is. I’ll get some travel out of the way, get some business out of the way, and hopefully figure out the answers to some of my questions along the way.
It’ll be fun. I’ll have my friends, but it’ll be emotionally lonely. I know I can manage it, and right now I feel like I have to do it – because the alternative is sitting here, moping, and feeling sorry for myself.
Anyone out there live in New Zealand? I’ve always wanted to go, but have no idea where to start. Since I’ll be down there anyway…